Emotion Commotion

What a crazy emotional few months I've had. Around valentines day, I had a positive pregnancy test, so I went on a super high. I've been off BC since 12/07 this was a long awaited ordeal for me. I immediately called everyone close to me to share the good news. A few weeks later at my first appointment, they see a gestational sack and a yolk sack, but no fetal pole. So, I know by 5 weeks there's a possibility of this not being a viable pregnancy. I had great hope and Faith in my Heavenly Father, that surely this wouldn't happen to me after all this time. 3 weeks later, the same thing. It was pretty evident to the Dr that the pregnancy wasn't viable, and since my hCg levels kept going up, he recommended a d&c. I however, (not sure if it was stubbornness or what) wanted to wait and miscarry on my own. I didn't want or need the Dr in my uterus "rooting around" and sucking stuff out..... I waited for almost 4 more long weeks knowing nothing was in there growing, but having to feel still all the pregnancy symptoms. I was getting to the point where I was unable to eat hardly anything. It was like I was bloated and making my lapband irritated. So I scheduled the d&c. I really thought that I was prepared for this small procedure.

On Saturday April 2nd, I arrived early in the morning and was home early afternoon. The Dr said he didn't have to take out much tissue (I assumed because nothing ever really formed, and it was just the sack) so he didn't think I'd have much bleeding or complications. Well, I didn't. By Sunday evening all was well. UNTIL, the severe cramping started. Every time I'd cramp, I cried....not tears from the physical pain, but the emotional pain. All I could think about every time the cramping started again, was that there was nothing in there. I left the hospital with 3 scrips. 800 mg motrin, a few percocets and xanax. I've never taken xanax before, but I am grateful he gave it to me, it really helped, and I can see how people get addicted to it...lol.

The very next Sunday, when I was finally feeling pretty good and as normal as can be expected, it was a beautiful day and I spent a lot of time outside, doing a little cleaning up on the carport. I don't know if I over-did it or what, but I bled, and bled and bled....and bled. Gushed actually and some quarter sized clots (sorry if that was TMI) to the point I almost called the ER to see if I needed to come in, but when I laid down, it almost stopped. So the next day, I call the DR, they wanted me to come in and have my uterus checked to make sure all was well. I was again having some pretty bad cramping. The good news was my uterus was small, he said that was good, and maybe I just had a delayed reaction with the bleeding. He gave me a shot of Toradol and a script for it. It's in a different pain management category, I am pretty sure it's non-narcotic, it has to be taken every 6 hours for 5 days...not one of those as needed meds. By Wednesday I felt like I was 98%.

For those who know what I do for a living, know I'm self-employed. I only planned on being off work a few days, it turned into 2 weeks. The client I am working for was so kind, to provide me with work I could do from home the 2nd week off. The first week, I was so doped up on meds, there was no way possible to do any kind of work and I hadn't planned on it, but when the 2nd week rolled around and I felt the need to be at home, they were so great to me. They also sent me an Edible Arrangement the Monday after the surgery. Of coarse, I started crying immediately...seriously, my eyes started tearing up when I was signing for it. I knew that it'd be hard, but WOW....having all the hormones, then they come crashing down, I was a wreck! I've NEVER felt like I did that first week before in my life. I got so low and had some depression, I've battled depression for most of my life, but I had it all under control, well now I'm battling it a bit again and I DON'T like it. I hate the feeling, that I'm just blah and moseying along. I'm not sure why I am sharing all this, but I am. Maybe I need to for my own healing.

I went last night to my acupressure guy, he practices a lot of Chinese Medicine. He balanced 2 of my chakras that were not right. http://www.spirit-self.com/2009/03/the-seven-chakras/
My 2nd and 7th were not balanced. The 2nd has to do with my sex organs and lower back (I knew it would be bad) but my 7th has to do with Spirituality, but I guess it also deals with other stuff too. The link gives a brief description for anyone whose interested in or saying to yourself, "What in the world is she talking about?"

On a positive note, I just weighed myself this morning and to date, I've lost 92 lbs. I feel so great, but I still hold a lot of weight in my belly area. I haven't went down a lot of pant sizes, but I have gone down. I put on a pair of blue jeans I wore on the first date I had with my husband the first time we dated, back in 1999. If I remember right, I'm only about 10 lbs away from my graduating weight. I've always been on the chunky, bigger side and I know that I wore a much smaller size then. So I still feel bigger now. Even though at most, I'm on 20 lbs bigger or so. I can't remember exactly what I weighed, but I know that from about 9th grade on, I was anywhere from 180 to 220. I weighed in this morning at 227!!

Up-Date

I have been so busy with a new job, that I haven't been exercising, which has slowed my weight loss, but I am still losing. As a matter of fact this morning, I weighed in at the 80 lb loss mark. I need to get a balance and more excited and diligent about my exercising. I just set up my new wii fit, maybe I can get some in that way. But I am now back to doing title searches and so I stand, bend and pull heavy books all day long. Therefore, I don't have the desire to go exercise after that.....I know, it's just an excuse and I need to work thru that. I am still eating all the sugar too, I am weak...I really need to get on my program and quit thinking that just because I'm still losing, that I can eat whatever I want. The loss is slowing a lot, so now I have to work the program, or it'll quit or even reverse all together.

Softball, Sauder and a weigh-in

So, we moved across the river to Parkersburg, WV. I am only 5 minutes from work and the rent is $120 cheaper a month. We are still in boxes for the most part, but settling in nicely. I spent into the wee hours Friday putting together a TV stand. We previously have hung our flat screen on the wall (this drove me nuts....because you could see the wires hanging down) So I bought one of those pressed board Sauder pieces. You know the ones...they are HEAVY and a pain in the butt to put together, especially by yourself. So I get it all put together and the noticed the last piece, a decortive one was missing...UGH. Well no big deal, I got on the website and one is being delivered today actually. But that's not where the fun starts. I went to "scoot" the piece into place....and the whole stinkin' side fell off.....BIGGER UGH! I was so cranky by this point (almost 2 hours into the build) and it was just after 1 am, so, I quit for the night. The next day my friend was coming over. I had her bring me a regular sized screw driver. I only had a 'lil shorty and that's what made it impossible to get the locking thingy majiggs locked. Now, it's all in place, the TV is hooked up and it looks great in my living room.

A few weeks ago a guy and girl I work with put together a co-ed softball team. We've had a few practices (I left the last one asking myself...."self, who are you kidding...you don't know what you're doing and are not in shape to do this" But, I have stuck it out. We had our first game Monday. I did score a run and didn't even bat. The rules are...if they walk a guy, the next girl to bat gets a walk as well. But....I got an injury. I pulled my left groin somewhere between 2nd and 3rd base. It is STILL killing me. I went to water aerobics last night and it felt good for the most part, but I did twinge it 2 good times. I sat in the hot tub afterwards. But this morning it's really really sore. I am hoping that it's just because it's morning and it's not limbered up yet. I would've rather taken a ball the the shin area (like I did in practice) than to have this. We play on Monday and Friday's. We found that out on Monday when we got to the ball field. We all signed up under the pretence of Monday games only. I just hope that my groin is well by Friday.

I weighed myself this morning, and I have lost 58 lbs now! I am glad to finally be seeing it come off...it's been a long road. I think after my next fill in October, I'll be set for a while. This last one put me up to 5.75 cc's and it worked quite well for a lot longer. But, I can now eat breakfast a lot earlier and I notice it takes more to make me full. I try to stick within my 1 cup portion though. But I am quite happy.

Till next time.....

Reaching a milestone

I weighed myself on saturday and had reached the 50 pounds lost mark (just barely, but I was there and that's what matters...lol)

I am a habitual weigher, so I've been trying not to be. But I couldn't help but get on the scale this morning. 2 more lbs lost. so I have lost a total of 52 lbs now.

The weird thing is, I just started noticing a few weeks ago that I was actually loosing and changing.

I hope that it continues to come off. I quit cheating so I think that's what the slow process was. I had the mentality that as long as I was loosing some, then it was okay to cheat....well....it wasn't coming off nearly as quick as it could/should have been.

It's been a while.....

so I thought I'd give a little update. I just went to get another half cc fill in my band yesterday. I lost 6 more lbs since I was there 6 weeks ago. So I am averaging a pound a week. I really want it to be 2 pounds a week, so I decided once and for all, that I am going to be more strict on myself. I want this weight off so bad. In my mind, on the days I do water aerobics I can treat myself to something sweet....well...I am defeating the purpose of my band and of my excercising. BUT...I am ADICTED to sugar! I just ordered a couple of books on Amazon to read and hopefully they will help me cure this craving I have for it. I also stopped by Borders on my lunch break and got 2 books on cooking for weightloss surgery.

Master of....

With this award I am suppose to list 6 things I am a Master at then, pass it on to 6 people.

1. I am a Master at hitting the snooze button numerous times EVERY morning.
2. Starting a diet, only to give up the very same day.
3. Wanting to start a sewing/quilting project and keep putting it off.
4. Living above my means.
5. Wanting things NOW....I am the Master of INSTANT GRATIFICATION
6. Loving my husband and family more than I knew was possible. My love grows (almost) every day!

I pass this on to...
Whoever reads my blog on a regular basis (cause I don't think it's 6)

setting goals....

I saw a cute pair of boots on a friends blog, they were black and white toile rain boots. Super cute!!! I found them, but they are not longer available on Amazon. I wasn't going to buy them, just window shopping, but I came across these beauties. I might treat myself once I reach a milestone in my weight loss journey.