Emotion Commotion

What a crazy emotional few months I've had. Around valentines day, I had a positive pregnancy test, so I went on a super high. I've been off BC since 12/07 this was a long awaited ordeal for me. I immediately called everyone close to me to share the good news. A few weeks later at my first appointment, they see a gestational sack and a yolk sack, but no fetal pole. So, I know by 5 weeks there's a possibility of this not being a viable pregnancy. I had great hope and Faith in my Heavenly Father, that surely this wouldn't happen to me after all this time. 3 weeks later, the same thing. It was pretty evident to the Dr that the pregnancy wasn't viable, and since my hCg levels kept going up, he recommended a d&c. I however, (not sure if it was stubbornness or what) wanted to wait and miscarry on my own. I didn't want or need the Dr in my uterus "rooting around" and sucking stuff out..... I waited for almost 4 more long weeks knowing nothing was in there growing, but having to feel still all the pregnancy symptoms. I was getting to the point where I was unable to eat hardly anything. It was like I was bloated and making my lapband irritated. So I scheduled the d&c. I really thought that I was prepared for this small procedure.

On Saturday April 2nd, I arrived early in the morning and was home early afternoon. The Dr said he didn't have to take out much tissue (I assumed because nothing ever really formed, and it was just the sack) so he didn't think I'd have much bleeding or complications. Well, I didn't. By Sunday evening all was well. UNTIL, the severe cramping started. Every time I'd cramp, I cried....not tears from the physical pain, but the emotional pain. All I could think about every time the cramping started again, was that there was nothing in there. I left the hospital with 3 scrips. 800 mg motrin, a few percocets and xanax. I've never taken xanax before, but I am grateful he gave it to me, it really helped, and I can see how people get addicted to it...lol.

The very next Sunday, when I was finally feeling pretty good and as normal as can be expected, it was a beautiful day and I spent a lot of time outside, doing a little cleaning up on the carport. I don't know if I over-did it or what, but I bled, and bled and bled....and bled. Gushed actually and some quarter sized clots (sorry if that was TMI) to the point I almost called the ER to see if I needed to come in, but when I laid down, it almost stopped. So the next day, I call the DR, they wanted me to come in and have my uterus checked to make sure all was well. I was again having some pretty bad cramping. The good news was my uterus was small, he said that was good, and maybe I just had a delayed reaction with the bleeding. He gave me a shot of Toradol and a script for it. It's in a different pain management category, I am pretty sure it's non-narcotic, it has to be taken every 6 hours for 5 days...not one of those as needed meds. By Wednesday I felt like I was 98%.

For those who know what I do for a living, know I'm self-employed. I only planned on being off work a few days, it turned into 2 weeks. The client I am working for was so kind, to provide me with work I could do from home the 2nd week off. The first week, I was so doped up on meds, there was no way possible to do any kind of work and I hadn't planned on it, but when the 2nd week rolled around and I felt the need to be at home, they were so great to me. They also sent me an Edible Arrangement the Monday after the surgery. Of coarse, I started crying immediately...seriously, my eyes started tearing up when I was signing for it. I knew that it'd be hard, but WOW....having all the hormones, then they come crashing down, I was a wreck! I've NEVER felt like I did that first week before in my life. I got so low and had some depression, I've battled depression for most of my life, but I had it all under control, well now I'm battling it a bit again and I DON'T like it. I hate the feeling, that I'm just blah and moseying along. I'm not sure why I am sharing all this, but I am. Maybe I need to for my own healing.

I went last night to my acupressure guy, he practices a lot of Chinese Medicine. He balanced 2 of my chakras that were not right. http://www.spirit-self.com/2009/03/the-seven-chakras/
My 2nd and 7th were not balanced. The 2nd has to do with my sex organs and lower back (I knew it would be bad) but my 7th has to do with Spirituality, but I guess it also deals with other stuff too. The link gives a brief description for anyone whose interested in or saying to yourself, "What in the world is she talking about?"

On a positive note, I just weighed myself this morning and to date, I've lost 92 lbs. I feel so great, but I still hold a lot of weight in my belly area. I haven't went down a lot of pant sizes, but I have gone down. I put on a pair of blue jeans I wore on the first date I had with my husband the first time we dated, back in 1999. If I remember right, I'm only about 10 lbs away from my graduating weight. I've always been on the chunky, bigger side and I know that I wore a much smaller size then. So I still feel bigger now. Even though at most, I'm on 20 lbs bigger or so. I can't remember exactly what I weighed, but I know that from about 9th grade on, I was anywhere from 180 to 220. I weighed in this morning at 227!!

Up-Date

I have been so busy with a new job, that I haven't been exercising, which has slowed my weight loss, but I am still losing. As a matter of fact this morning, I weighed in at the 80 lb loss mark. I need to get a balance and more excited and diligent about my exercising. I just set up my new wii fit, maybe I can get some in that way. But I am now back to doing title searches and so I stand, bend and pull heavy books all day long. Therefore, I don't have the desire to go exercise after that.....I know, it's just an excuse and I need to work thru that. I am still eating all the sugar too, I am weak...I really need to get on my program and quit thinking that just because I'm still losing, that I can eat whatever I want. The loss is slowing a lot, so now I have to work the program, or it'll quit or even reverse all together.

Softball, Sauder and a weigh-in

So, we moved across the river to Parkersburg, WV. I am only 5 minutes from work and the rent is $120 cheaper a month. We are still in boxes for the most part, but settling in nicely. I spent into the wee hours Friday putting together a TV stand. We previously have hung our flat screen on the wall (this drove me nuts....because you could see the wires hanging down) So I bought one of those pressed board Sauder pieces. You know the ones...they are HEAVY and a pain in the butt to put together, especially by yourself. So I get it all put together and the noticed the last piece, a decortive one was missing...UGH. Well no big deal, I got on the website and one is being delivered today actually. But that's not where the fun starts. I went to "scoot" the piece into place....and the whole stinkin' side fell off.....BIGGER UGH! I was so cranky by this point (almost 2 hours into the build) and it was just after 1 am, so, I quit for the night. The next day my friend was coming over. I had her bring me a regular sized screw driver. I only had a 'lil shorty and that's what made it impossible to get the locking thingy majiggs locked. Now, it's all in place, the TV is hooked up and it looks great in my living room.

A few weeks ago a guy and girl I work with put together a co-ed softball team. We've had a few practices (I left the last one asking myself...."self, who are you kidding...you don't know what you're doing and are not in shape to do this" But, I have stuck it out. We had our first game Monday. I did score a run and didn't even bat. The rules are...if they walk a guy, the next girl to bat gets a walk as well. But....I got an injury. I pulled my left groin somewhere between 2nd and 3rd base. It is STILL killing me. I went to water aerobics last night and it felt good for the most part, but I did twinge it 2 good times. I sat in the hot tub afterwards. But this morning it's really really sore. I am hoping that it's just because it's morning and it's not limbered up yet. I would've rather taken a ball the the shin area (like I did in practice) than to have this. We play on Monday and Friday's. We found that out on Monday when we got to the ball field. We all signed up under the pretence of Monday games only. I just hope that my groin is well by Friday.

I weighed myself this morning, and I have lost 58 lbs now! I am glad to finally be seeing it come off...it's been a long road. I think after my next fill in October, I'll be set for a while. This last one put me up to 5.75 cc's and it worked quite well for a lot longer. But, I can now eat breakfast a lot earlier and I notice it takes more to make me full. I try to stick within my 1 cup portion though. But I am quite happy.

Till next time.....

Reaching a milestone

I weighed myself on saturday and had reached the 50 pounds lost mark (just barely, but I was there and that's what matters...lol)

I am a habitual weigher, so I've been trying not to be. But I couldn't help but get on the scale this morning. 2 more lbs lost. so I have lost a total of 52 lbs now.

The weird thing is, I just started noticing a few weeks ago that I was actually loosing and changing.

I hope that it continues to come off. I quit cheating so I think that's what the slow process was. I had the mentality that as long as I was loosing some, then it was okay to cheat....well....it wasn't coming off nearly as quick as it could/should have been.

It's been a while.....

so I thought I'd give a little update. I just went to get another half cc fill in my band yesterday. I lost 6 more lbs since I was there 6 weeks ago. So I am averaging a pound a week. I really want it to be 2 pounds a week, so I decided once and for all, that I am going to be more strict on myself. I want this weight off so bad. In my mind, on the days I do water aerobics I can treat myself to something sweet....well...I am defeating the purpose of my band and of my excercising. BUT...I am ADICTED to sugar! I just ordered a couple of books on Amazon to read and hopefully they will help me cure this craving I have for it. I also stopped by Borders on my lunch break and got 2 books on cooking for weightloss surgery.

Master of....

With this award I am suppose to list 6 things I am a Master at then, pass it on to 6 people.

1. I am a Master at hitting the snooze button numerous times EVERY morning.
2. Starting a diet, only to give up the very same day.
3. Wanting to start a sewing/quilting project and keep putting it off.
4. Living above my means.
5. Wanting things NOW....I am the Master of INSTANT GRATIFICATION
6. Loving my husband and family more than I knew was possible. My love grows (almost) every day!

I pass this on to...
Whoever reads my blog on a regular basis (cause I don't think it's 6)

setting goals....

I saw a cute pair of boots on a friends blog, they were black and white toile rain boots. Super cute!!! I found them, but they are not longer available on Amazon. I wasn't going to buy them, just window shopping, but I came across these beauties. I might treat myself once I reach a milestone in my weight loss journey.

First fill went well, if you call.....

almost passing out and puking well....lol it really wasn't that bad. I was already sick and not feeling well when I went in to have it done. I laid down and he numbed the area with a little baby needle. Then he pulled out the BIG needle. I don't get bothered by needles at all, in fact I always watch them take my blood and what not. I started to get really hot. He was having a little trouble finding it, since he's not the surgeon who placed the lap band in me. When he finally got it, he pulled out what was in it, to see how much I already had. It was 2cc's I was under the impression it didn't have any fill in it at all. So he added 3 more. I sat up and was handed a cup of water from the nurse to drink, this is to make sure that it's not too tight and that I am able to get stuff down. Well before I could drink any, I had to hand the nurse back the cup, because my ears were clogging up (worse than from my cold) and everything started getting farther and farther away. So I stripped off my hoodie and laid back down for a bit. When I got my wits about me, I sat up and starting taking sips of the water. I got the hick-ups and almost vomited it up. The band was too tight. He had me lay back down and by this time, my wonderful husband came over and was gently stroking my head and hair. Then when I asked the nurse for the cup, he said..."well it's time for me to go back to the other side of the room" lol I didn't think he had a weak stomach. Wonder what childbirth does to him....if he thinks he gets out of that, he's got another thing coming. But back to the doctors office. This time he was able to find the port right away and took out 1cc and I had instant relief. So as of Tuesday I have 4cc's of saline in my band. I weighed Wednesday morning and again this morning, and I lost 3 lbs. I am so excited and can't wait until the results are such that they are noticeable.

Country roads, take me home........

to the place, I belong......WV (well close enough)

In early January I lost my uncle Tom. It made a few things very clear to me. 1. my dad is 70 and he won't be around forever. 2. I longed to be back "home" more than ever. 3. I missed my family. So, I made a few calls and sent a few resumes and February 1st I started a new job in Parkersburg, WV. We currently are still Buckeyes, but hope to buy a piece of property in WV out, way out in the boonies somewhere.

I had to get a new surgeon to follow-up my care for my band. I will see him March 2nd, for my first fill. I am super excited. I think I've gained back the 18 lbs I lost. I know that I have been eating bad stuff, but.....in my mind, it's because after March, I will never be able to eat some of these things again. So I have probably went a little overboard. I know I should probably still be dieting, but again, I will not be able to have ice cream for dinner in the future if I wish to. I will have to eat as much protien as possible, so to get enough nutrition.

I don't much miss Pennsylvania, but, now I can't be the Pennsylania Penningtons much longer. Until I think of a new catchy name, this will remain so.

Back to work

and sick.....I tried to stay home a few more days from work, but they needed me to come in. I had the procedure last Tuesday 12-22. It was way more painful than I had anticipated. on the second and third day I wanted to curl up in a ball and die. But since curling up was not an option I could only lay flat and not move a muscle or it would hurt to the high heavens. It felt like I had done a million sit ups or been kicked in the stomach by a team of horses. They only give you the good drugs the first day at the hospital (not the morning after, when you really need them) I know 3 others who had this done, and they did not have the complications I did. No gas and no nausea. I have both....still to this day. 12-28. I had to come to work and now I am sick as a dog, I think that I am so hungry it's making me sick. and I have the gas pains on top of it all. Which is a pain in my shoulder and around my lungs. I am supposed to walk as much as possible, so I have been getting up every hour here at work and walking around the office. More to come later.

APPROVED!!!!!

I just got a call from the secretary over at the surgeon's office. She said I was approved. It seems that they were missing a page from the fax and didn't think I had an entire 6 months under the surgeons care. I am so happy. I was very upset yesterday. All I wanted to do was buy a pack of cigarettes, but I did not. I am so glad that I was able to stear clear of the temptation of doing so. I can already find myself being "that" former smoker. If you smoke then you know what I'm talking about. The one who tells you how easy it is to quit and to just do it and they hate the smell (well honestly I have hated the smell all along) but now I can actually smell it.

Insurance troubles..................

The surgeon's receptionist called me and told me that when they sent in for approval the insurance company sent back and was questioning my excercise and probably why I wasn't doing a whole lot more. I am having my chiropractor send a letter to them about the core strength training I am doing and that the broken back I sufford from 3 years ago has me limited in what I can do at the time. He is also going to state how the bariatric procedure will be beneficial to me.

Tomorrow I still go in for pre-op testing. I have to take a "sample" with me and I am having an endescope done. I guess he is going to put me under light sedation and go take a look at my stomach. I have been googling on how to get "the sample".

I am 1 month SMOKE FREE and loving it. I even survived Thanksgiving weekend with my extended family of smokers and was still just fine. I did use that Chantix a little in the beginning but had to stop because it was making my stomach hurt. Then when I went off of it, it sent my body in a whirl wind of emotions. I was ready to divorce my husband. I was hateful, I broke out into sweats, then I was freezing....it's not a very nice drug at all. It has even caused some people to commit suicide. But....it really does help you quit smoking. It's a catch 22 if you ask me. I normally don't get any side effects from prescription drugs, I think I got them all from Chantix. If you know anyone thinking about taking it, incourage them to really research it first.

Going on.....

2 weeks! Saturday at 9:30 pm is my mark. I am actually doing it. I am doing great too. I still want a cigarette not nearly as bad but the point is I don't have to have one. I hope it continues to be easy. I am using chantix, but I am only taking .5 mg as opposed to the 2 mg (1 two x's a day) when I tried this before it made me nauseous. I wondered if that was the feeling I would have when I was pregnant. If it is, then you can count me out. I was so sick for a whole week, all day and all night long. Except for about 20 minutes right after I ate something. It was a mix between hunger and nausea, weird weird weird sensation. I have read a lot about the chantix and it can cause ulcers and stuff like that. So I hope not to have to take it much longer.

She's Crafty

A few weeks ago a friend of mine at work had a baby shower. I had misplaced my camera and forgot that these photos were on my cell phone. I made my very first diaper cake. I think it turned out great. What do you think?

Mark Twain once said.....

"Quitting smoking is easy. I've done it a thousand times."

That statement just about says it all. This might be the hardest thing I've done. Well....okay it's not nearly as painful as when I had a broken back, but the physical withdraws are enough to make a person a little crazy. I have been smoke free for about 41 hours now. Yesterday was so much easier than today. I was fine all day until the evening and I almost caved in. Luckily my husband was supportive enough to not give me a cigarette. He reminded me why I am quitting (because I have to if I want my surgery) But today.....holy cow....I have anxiety, my chest is hurting, my neck is so stiff (I think these 2 are both anxiety related) but my head is also sweating and my ears are sort of clogged up. I am a total basket case. I know that tomorrow will be even worse. I don't want to cave, I want to quit, I just need these withdraws to go away. I don't have much will-power, I think that's the biggest problem. I want to ask you guys to please pray for me to be strong and that they side effects will lessen and leave QUICKLY!!! I will keep you posted.

Nice things in life

Steph tagged me, so in no paticular order I will name some.

1. Losing weight
2. Visiting Family
3. Shopping with a girlfriend
4. Quilting
5. The smell of rain
6. The smell of Fall
7. Having Freedom (which is slowly being taken away)
8. Having a job
9. A Loving Husband
10. Good Health

I lost

the5 lbs I gained from eating more food like the nutritionlist recomended. Now if it will continue to come off up until the surgery.

I wish I had more exciting stuff to blog. I guess I am pretty boring. I promise to get better at this and be more exciting (I hope)

lil ole update

Nothing too new to report. I had my standard visit with the surgeon last week. I have gained 6 lbs.....by following the nutritionlists diet of eating more. Needless to say, I'm done with that. I knew that I felt even fatter. I was more achey and what not, just from an extra 5 or 6 lbs. I can't imagine how good it will feel to get most of this extra weight off.

Scott is out of town working. He's been in Orangeburg, SC since right after Memorial Day. I have seen him twice. Once I went down for a few days, then they got to come home for a few days over the 4th of July. This time it's killing me. Last time I had people visiting all the time. Started out with all 3 girls being here (2 daughters and a grand baby) I was pleasantly surprised that they still wanted to come over and stay even though their dad wasn't going to be here. Tres came and flew with me to Myrtle Beach, where I then drove over to visit Scott for a few days, then back to Myrtle to vacation with all my cousins.

I had a really low day last Friday where I was really missing my husband, my family and my friends. I do not like being over here in PA at all anymore now. I have no girlfriends. It's driving me insane. All I do is go to work and go home. The grocery...etc etc. I have not been shopping or to the fabric store/craft store, because I owe Uncle Sam quite a few dollars. Which I am soooo close to having it all saved up. If I complain about this next year, then kick my butt in gear...I need to learn to save save save. Savings on top of taxes too.....Man, then I'll never have any money to spend. I guess I better just use up my current fabric stash instead of buying all the new patterns...lol

I did get all the quilting on Dana's quilt done. Now, just have to do the binding. Well and fix a part. In the beginning I accidentally sewed the backing to itself (I was going to fold it around for the binding, but not I can't) I am going to have to cut it out ever so gently.

Till next time my blogging buddies!

Not eating enough..........who'd have thought?

I guess I forgot to write about the nutritionlist visit. I had to take in a food diary of 1 week. I did....and she told me I was not consuming enough calories. I thought she was crazy. But alas, she is the professional. She also wants me to be checked for PCOS (polysistic ovarian syndrom) she stated it could be the reason I have trouble loosing weight and I don't ovulate...etc etc. I already knew everything else she told me, like eating organic and natural things. Take vitamins. I know it all. I practice a lot of it. But I have that crazy sweet tooth. I could get all my extra calories from sweets really easily LOL

The surgeon today told me not to get tested for PCOS, it would just be a waste. If I did have it, they wouldn't do anything for it, because the cure for it is weight loss. He said that if I still do not become fertile then, other testing will be done. But he did say that most women who were not able to have children, after the surgery are. That's a good thing, since we have officially decided that we want a family. Our goal is that after my truck is paid off we will begin. Which falls right into the timeline of waiting 1 year after being banded to get pregnant.

2nd Visit to surgeon

Today I just went to my second visit with the lap-band surgeon. I am on the fast track so to speak. I have completed the phsych eval and the nutritionlist counceling. Now all that is left are my 5 visits (once a month, or every 4 weeks) and then in November I have to have an endescope to look into my stomach to make sure that it is "normal", a EKG and a stool sample (not looking forward to that one) but I guess it has to be done, so what are my choices.

I asked today about pregnancy after the band. He said that it is safe and actually will help with a healthier pregnancy. He did call the rep while I was sitting there to see if they will empty the band when it's time for me to deliver. When you undergo a surgery after the band they empty it for safety reasons. So, if I have to have a C-section they will probably just empty it close to my delivery date. Then fill it once the baby is born.

I am very excited about the surgery, which I have rescheduled from Dec 14th to the 22nd. I chose the week of Christmas, because my mom is already scheduled off work, and I will actually miss less work this way. I can work Monday, have surgery Tuesday and be off the rest of the week. They say it's so easy that I should be back to work Monday. If not, I am sure that it will be okay to take off time then anyways.