Emotion Commotion

What a crazy emotional few months I've had. Around valentines day, I had a positive pregnancy test, so I went on a super high. I've been off BC since 12/07 this was a long awaited ordeal for me. I immediately called everyone close to me to share the good news. A few weeks later at my first appointment, they see a gestational sack and a yolk sack, but no fetal pole. So, I know by 5 weeks there's a possibility of this not being a viable pregnancy. I had great hope and Faith in my Heavenly Father, that surely this wouldn't happen to me after all this time. 3 weeks later, the same thing. It was pretty evident to the Dr that the pregnancy wasn't viable, and since my hCg levels kept going up, he recommended a d&c. I however, (not sure if it was stubbornness or what) wanted to wait and miscarry on my own. I didn't want or need the Dr in my uterus "rooting around" and sucking stuff out..... I waited for almost 4 more long weeks knowing nothing was in there growing, but having to feel still all the pregnancy symptoms. I was getting to the point where I was unable to eat hardly anything. It was like I was bloated and making my lapband irritated. So I scheduled the d&c. I really thought that I was prepared for this small procedure.

On Saturday April 2nd, I arrived early in the morning and was home early afternoon. The Dr said he didn't have to take out much tissue (I assumed because nothing ever really formed, and it was just the sack) so he didn't think I'd have much bleeding or complications. Well, I didn't. By Sunday evening all was well. UNTIL, the severe cramping started. Every time I'd cramp, I cried....not tears from the physical pain, but the emotional pain. All I could think about every time the cramping started again, was that there was nothing in there. I left the hospital with 3 scrips. 800 mg motrin, a few percocets and xanax. I've never taken xanax before, but I am grateful he gave it to me, it really helped, and I can see how people get addicted to it...lol.

The very next Sunday, when I was finally feeling pretty good and as normal as can be expected, it was a beautiful day and I spent a lot of time outside, doing a little cleaning up on the carport. I don't know if I over-did it or what, but I bled, and bled and bled....and bled. Gushed actually and some quarter sized clots (sorry if that was TMI) to the point I almost called the ER to see if I needed to come in, but when I laid down, it almost stopped. So the next day, I call the DR, they wanted me to come in and have my uterus checked to make sure all was well. I was again having some pretty bad cramping. The good news was my uterus was small, he said that was good, and maybe I just had a delayed reaction with the bleeding. He gave me a shot of Toradol and a script for it. It's in a different pain management category, I am pretty sure it's non-narcotic, it has to be taken every 6 hours for 5 days...not one of those as needed meds. By Wednesday I felt like I was 98%.

For those who know what I do for a living, know I'm self-employed. I only planned on being off work a few days, it turned into 2 weeks. The client I am working for was so kind, to provide me with work I could do from home the 2nd week off. The first week, I was so doped up on meds, there was no way possible to do any kind of work and I hadn't planned on it, but when the 2nd week rolled around and I felt the need to be at home, they were so great to me. They also sent me an Edible Arrangement the Monday after the surgery. Of coarse, I started crying immediately...seriously, my eyes started tearing up when I was signing for it. I knew that it'd be hard, but WOW....having all the hormones, then they come crashing down, I was a wreck! I've NEVER felt like I did that first week before in my life. I got so low and had some depression, I've battled depression for most of my life, but I had it all under control, well now I'm battling it a bit again and I DON'T like it. I hate the feeling, that I'm just blah and moseying along. I'm not sure why I am sharing all this, but I am. Maybe I need to for my own healing.

I went last night to my acupressure guy, he practices a lot of Chinese Medicine. He balanced 2 of my chakras that were not right. http://www.spirit-self.com/2009/03/the-seven-chakras/
My 2nd and 7th were not balanced. The 2nd has to do with my sex organs and lower back (I knew it would be bad) but my 7th has to do with Spirituality, but I guess it also deals with other stuff too. The link gives a brief description for anyone whose interested in or saying to yourself, "What in the world is she talking about?"

On a positive note, I just weighed myself this morning and to date, I've lost 92 lbs. I feel so great, but I still hold a lot of weight in my belly area. I haven't went down a lot of pant sizes, but I have gone down. I put on a pair of blue jeans I wore on the first date I had with my husband the first time we dated, back in 1999. If I remember right, I'm only about 10 lbs away from my graduating weight. I've always been on the chunky, bigger side and I know that I wore a much smaller size then. So I still feel bigger now. Even though at most, I'm on 20 lbs bigger or so. I can't remember exactly what I weighed, but I know that from about 9th grade on, I was anywhere from 180 to 220. I weighed in this morning at 227!!